Ok, I can already tell you feel some type of way about the title of this post, and that's ok. This is a place where you should feel free to be who you are, whoever that may be. But before you freak out, and call me a harsh, critical hack, I would like the opportunity to plead my case. I will be concise, I will be organized, and above all, I will be fair. I will leave any and all personal bias out of this piece, and look at the film from a purely objective, analytical stand point. Sound good? Great. Let's commence.
Part I: Issues With Length
Alright. FUCK THIS MOVIE IN ITS FACE. Fuck objectivity, and fuck being fair, this movie is a 3 hour 14 minute collection of played out tropes, stupid characters who do stupid things, and some truly, TRULY terrible dialogue. And no, I'm not joking, the movie really is 3 hours and 14 minutes long. I don't care who you are, unless your film takes place in Middle Earth, you don't get a fucking pass on telling the editing staff to take a holiday and leave the first cut of the movie as is. Ok, one thing at a time. The length.
This movie is really long and not because it needs to be. It's the sort of plodding, trudging, desperate for more attention long that movies tend to be when their directors lose any and all sense of pacing and prioritization. In film making, and in life, it is important to understand fully the concept of "compromise". Studios and advertisers and actors and producers are all clamoring and negotiating to get their way in the final cut of the movie you set out to make. And as frustrating as it may be to see your vision changed, it is a necessary part of getting a movie made. Now when a director reaches a certain level of prestige, they are generally left alone by the studios, and trusted with the reigns in order to make their movie the way they see it being made. This can be a great thing for films, and those who make them. It can also be the kiss of death for directors hell-bent on bringing their self-indulgent nonsense to the screen. Now when I say "kiss of death" I of course don't mean financially. This movie made an actual ass-load of money. I mean "kiss of death" in the sense that I, personally, will hate the movie and rant about it every chance I get. Now before moving on to the next section of this piece, let me go ahead an answer three questions I'm sure you're asking.
1. No, I'm not actually an angry person in real life. I'm pretty level-headed, and traditionally I bottle my feelings and unpopular opinions, which is how I end up diverting years of unexpressed rage into movie rants such as this.
2. Therapy? No I haven't. I'll think about it.
3. No I don't think that looks infected, but you should really consult a doctor.
Part II: Validity
I understand that the Titanic was a real ship that really sank and that was tragic. I also understand that there are real life figures portrayed in Cameron's film that actually existed and were on the ship when it sank. That being said, I don't entirely understand why we need a fucking Nicholas Sparks novel as the film's emotional core. Making Jack and Rose's relationship the focus of the film implies that we need that romance there to feel anything during the film's last hour, which is the sinking. BUT THAT'S FALSE, BITCH. Sorry, you're not a bitch. I apologize, that was uncool, it won't happen again. My point here is that the film's last act is emotional, it's scary, and it's masterfully done. Had I not watched 2 hours of movie leading up to it, I would've been very complimentary of the movie as a whole based solely on the execution of the sinking sequence.
We don't need a love story in order to care about the ship going down. There were thousands of men, women and children on that boat. And most of them died. That's a horrible thing, and seeing it play out is absolutely enough to evoke strong emotions. bitch. And the craziest part is, if the romance wasn't forced, and stupid, and a complete tonal nightmare, taking the film from romance to rom com to the exact plot of Lady and the Tramp to disaster flick to...biopic?-then I wouldn't have minded seeing it play out. The actors were well-cast, and the setting was serviceable, I suppose. All you need is better execution, and a tighter script, and I would probably buy two people having a fling on a boat. What I refuse to sit through is 2 hours of "I'm rich, you're poor. We're from different worlds. It can't work. Oh wait it totally can. Do me in that car.".
Part III: Final Thoughts
I don't know, brah. This movie rubs me the wrong way. Like The Sound of Music, or Only God Forgives. Both well made films in their own right, but films that I must fault for being unnecessarily long as shit. The funny thing is, this movie existing really has no sway on the quality of my life. This movie being bad doesn't change anything. It doesn't hurt me, or anyone I know. It's not like anyone is forcing me to watch it. Hey, did I just make Titanic a metaphor for gay marriage? You betcha. There's just one key difference. I support gay marriage. Thanks for reading, And as always, stay thirsty my friends.
Spotted the word "bitch" somewhere in this article? Excellent. You are worthy. I myself will carry you to the gates of Valhalla.
No comments:
Post a Comment