Scooby Dooby Doo: Electric Boogaloo

Holy hell, where to begin? Ok let me back up.

I was watching TV today, like I do, and I happened to click on over to Nickelodeon, a channel I used to frequent, before their programming turned to crap and I lost any and all desire to tune in. There I left it, as I sat on the couch, browsing the world wide web on my phone, paying little attention to what was on the tube; I honestly just wanted the background noise. And then I heard it, the Warner Bros. fan fare, and across the screen floated the gleaming golden WB. I picked up the remote, I hit the info button, and yes folks, it said exactly what I though it would. Scooby Doo. Like the movie, Scooby doo. The one with the people in it. This is what coaxed me back into writing and ranting, and I can't quite explain why THIS was the movie to bring me back but it was. And now I'm here. Writing again. Do something about it.

Ok a few things. This movie came out in 2002, a time when casting Freddie Prinze Jr. in your movie probably made sense to some people. The film opens with a riveting chase through a factory of some sort, during which the gang manages to capture a flying phantom looking asshole, but not before classic Scooby Doo hi jinks ensue. Except not, because the physical comedy in this movie is stilted and awkward and makes little to no sense. Let me illustrate. Imagine a group of actors desperately pretending that they're interacting with a CGI dog...in 2002...you know back when we had the appropriate technology for such things.

The chase ends and the gang is received by an unreasonably huge crowd of people, Pamela Anderson included. Yeah go ahead, clean your screen with your sleeve, increase the brightness, zoom in on the page, you read it right. Fucking Baywatch is in this. (No, the Hoff is not Baywatch. Pam is Baywatch, and don't you fucking forget it). And if that little bit of information shocks you, this next part will really knock your socks off. SHE'S INVOLVED IN THE PLOT. The phantom guy, once unmasked, reveals that the reason for his little ghostly caper was to prove his love to Pamela Anderson. No, not to scare land developers away from his precious home, no not to frighten pesky tourists, THE GUY IN THE GODDAMN PHANTOM MASK IS FLOATING AROUND THE FACTORY LIKE AN IDIOT BECAUSE PAM MOTHERLOVING ANDERSON WOULDN'T DATE HIM.

Mr. Bean is in this movie.

I'm getting ahead of myself...fuck it, this is important.

Rowan Atkinson is in this movie. Yes that is the guy who plays Mr. Bean. No it doesn't make any sense.

Fred nearly screws up the entire gang's plan in the beginning, by the way, because he's too busy staring at himself in the mirror like some playboy Narcissus. When was that ever an aspect of  Fred's character? Daphne resents the group for thinking of her as the damsel in distress, which seems progressive in a superficial, "Hey it's 2002 and we're relating to the young ladies of today!" kind of way, but again, that was never something Daphne had to struggle with in the cartoon, so it feels out of place. If their goal was to make commentary on her role in the cartoon, they missed the mark in a pretty big way. Velma and Shaggy are the closest to their cartoon counterparts, and honestly I owe major props to Matthew Lillard and Linda Cardellini for really committing to the bit and playing their respective roles well. They almost make you forget about how scary and plastic Scooby looks now. Yeah he's terrifying, there's no way around that.

The biggest issue with these characters is motivation. At least it is for Velma and Shaggy, for Fred and Daphne it's more about being completely unrecognizable when compared to the originals. As good as Cardellini is, her Velma's driving conflict is her anger at Fred and by extension the rest of the gang for feeling like she never gets any credit for her plans. And forget how stupid it is that Fred takes the credit from her in the first place (I'll get to that), Velma is not that petty. She's book smart and resourceful, and her goal is always to solve the mystery because it involves outsmarting whoever's behind what's going on, and that makes her feel secure in her intelligence. This is why those moments when she loses her glasses make for such great comedy, because in those moments the team member who normally knows the most about her situation knows absolutely nothing. She has no idea where she's going, who's around, and where her glasses have gone, and that contrast is fucking hilarious. The problem with her in the film is by and large a problem with the inclusion of the whole fame thing. Why is Mystery Inc. famous in this movie? They're kids that solve mysteries of little consequence, at least that's what they were originally. To have Velma's arc be driven by what boils down to a copyright squabble is pretty dang stupid.

I have to make an aside here. There's a moment in the film where an upset Velma makes her complaints known to the rest of the group, and in response, Daphne takes the goddamn glasses off of her face and dances around with them while Velma pleads for them back, unable to see. Yeah, Daphne takes the glasses and taunts Velma with them. Like a sociopath does. What a fucked up, weird and cruel joke to play. And COMPLETELY out of character, even for the Daphne that the film sets up. That is one scissor step away from kicking the cane out from under an elderly person. It's not cool.

Shaggy's motivation is also all jacked up. What's with the romance? Alright I get it, it's all one big weed joke because the girl he likes is named Mary Jane, right? WRONG. It's not a joke, it's not a gag, it is what drives Shaggy's character for almost the entire duration of the film, and it sucks. Shaggy is supposed to be just a hungry dude who hates scary shit, but always seems to get forced into dealing with scary shit. He's a reluctant hero, and maybe there are hints of that in this film, but not enough for me to excuse how poorly his arc is handled.

Fred's characterization is a train wreck of epic proportions. He's written as a conceited pretty boy, with little concern for his friends outside of maintaining the popularity of the Mystery Inc. brand, and keeping his fans swooning at his feet. He's unlikable, he's petty, and worst of all, he's FREDDIE PRINZE FUCKING JR SJHWEIFHOhefbkQKENPRWGNEO[FNEQPI84738492U0E

Listen, the Fred I know is a bit of an idiot, but a goodhearted one. He's not as smart as Velma, he's not as funny as Scooby or Shaggy, and he's not as smooth or cool as Daphne. The Fred I know is a leader, and a good one. His plans work, because he knows who he's working with, and as unlikely as it seems that he would spend as much time as he does with this rag tag group of weirdos, he loves them, and he knows just how to rally them. He's the Captain America, plain and simple. Again, I'm talking about the ORIGINAL cartoon, later things get weird and different. Not necessarily bad, just different.

I first saw this movie when it came out on DVD, over ten years ago, and even then I knew where this movie took the left turn to shitsville. It's when the gang arrives on the island a little while after breaking up like some early 2000's boy band, all called separately to investigate the same mystery, and upon arrival, the movie becomes some weird, horror spring break fever dream. It's tacky and gross and the whole thing screams MTV. I despise it and I want it gone from this earth. All of it.

Guys, I can't help it, I'm a sucker for the old cartoon (in case you couldn't tell). It's fun and it's funny and it knows what it is. As a kid, I loved the gags and the colors, and the sense of adventure the show evoked, and as an adult, I find myself appreciating the show for the self aware master piece that it is. Look, I should also say that I'm a pretty big fan of Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Yes, I know that makes no sense, and yes it has a lot of the same issues as the first live action film. But I always got the feeling Monsters Unleashed had a better grasp on what it was, and for that reason, it was easier to have fun with. It reminded me of one of those old animated Scooby Doo straight to DVD movies, and I do have a soft spot for those. My point at the beginning of this paragraph WAS that this movie makes me mad because it throws away the good and it fabricates quite a bit of bad when it comes to the source material. You want a live action Scooby Doo movie? Here's how you make one:

JUST DO WHAT THEY DID IN THE CARTOON BUT WITH PEOPLE.

I'm serious. Set it in 1969, cast young actors that can actually emulate the classic performances of the voice actors from the cartoon WHILST adding their own spin on things, and make the humor meta AF. I'm talking full fledged self-referential. And if you're doing the CGI dog, which you probably have to, make sure it looks good. Like halt production if the CGI dog looks in any way scary or hollow, and work on it until you have a real enough looking Scooby. Use some classic villains too, and I mean USE, don't just reference them. Wait...guys I think I have to make this movie. The more I picture it, I really want to.

#malamarebootsscoobydoo2k16
#malamarebootsfantasticfour2k16

I also have a lot of ideas for a Fantastic Four reboot, but that's a post for a different time.

Anywho that's my take on it. Thanks, if you like this I have more, feel free to read it.